


1½ ☆ Rainbows

by Biscuit Lion (cookiethelion)



Category: British Comedy RPF
Genre: Action, Alternate Universe, Crack, Gen, Magical Boys, Mild Language, Minor Violence, also features more vomitting than first anticipated oops, it's a bit crackier than usual imo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-17
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-04-15 05:11:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4594080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cookiethelion/pseuds/Biscuit%20Lion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>~☆Josh pointed out that some things shouldn’t be sprung on people – like the news that he had magical boy genes, and that if he squinted hard enough, he could finally see the magic microphone that had been following him for his entire life.☆~</p><p>☆Set around mid-2011☆</p>
            </blockquote>





	1½ ☆ Rainbows

“I’m not going to lie to you,” said Josh. “Until last night, I thought I knew what the real world was.”

“I can tell,” said Matthew. His open bag was in his lap, where a microphone with a light green cable was resting near the top. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I’ve gone fucking insane.” Josh looked down at his own microphone, which had a white and blue striped cable. He was very happy with leaving it in the bottom of his rucksack, but Matthew had demanded that it remained within sight of him for the whole visit.

“It’s normal to feel that way at first. I think it took me about a year to get used to it.”

Josh rolled his eyes, and pointed out that some things shouldn’t be sprung on people – like getting Tom and Ben to corner him on an empty street while Matthew broke the news that, like every other comedian, he had magical boy genes, and that if he squinted hard enough, he could finally see the magic microphone that had been following him for his entire life. He wasn’t thrilled either with being forced to activate the microphone by saying “microphone on”, although he was glad that his magical boy outfit wasn’t decked out in frills or gemstones; just a dark blue suit jacket that sparkled, worn over a shirt and jeans. The only unusual thing was that his left hand was empty, but a black fingerless glove covered his right; and embroidered on the back was a square diamond with a brown blotch near the surface. According to Matthew, flecks in a jewel were normal, but blotches signified a major problem.

As for Josh’s microphone, the whitened body elongated and curved into a bow. The cable wound itself around the glowing head of the microphone, forming the string for his bow. There were no arrows or quivers; and the few times Josh plucked it, nothing happened.

It also transpired that, like all comedians, he was required to transform before each gig, and that the microphone and anything with their jewel on was visible only to other magical people. Josh would have been happier to accept this if the process didn’t involve him shouting “Diamond jewel ☆ Widdicombe!” at the end of a bright flash, or pulling a pose; in his case, it was him winking while standing with his legs apart, and his bow raised in front of him horizontally, like he was preparing to shoot. Besides, the process really disagreed with his stomach. The first time he’d completed one, he had doubled over and thrown up by his feet.

“Anyway,” said Josh. “This is a farce. We’re not in Lord of the Rings.”

“Of course we’re not. The magical girl genre didn’t exist in Tolkein’s time.”

Josh glared. “You know what I mean.”

Instead of answering, Matthew reached into his bag, and took out his microphone first before handing over a piece of folded paper. Josh opened it, and smoothed out the creases with his thumb. Like last night, he figured it was probably better to just go with whatever was thrown into his face.

“I came over to give you this,” said Matthew, and he closed his bag. “It’s a little activity all new magical comedians can do. I’m not saying you have to, but it will help you get your head round the whole magical boy thing.”

Josh glanced at the list written down.

White – Pink – Red – Orange – Yellow – Light Green – Dark Green – Blue – Indigo – Purple – Black – Brown

“You need to find twelve other magical comedians with those coloured jewels, and fight them,” said Matthew. “It doesn’t matter who wins. Everyone new needs practice.”

“What – why – oh, is this about that thing?”

“It _is_ related to that demon we had to fight off _and kill_. You’ll see more of those, and it’s likely that most of the time, you won’t be with someone who’s got more experience than you.”

Josh frowned. He hadn’t seen the demon last night, because Matthew and Ben had pushed him away, sending him off like everything was normal, before running back to help Tom out.

“Look, the main point of the list is to get you used to other magical comedians’ powers,” said Matthew. “Two people can have the same colour jewel, but really different styles.”

“But I don’t _have_ to find someone else who’s also doing this, right?” Josh grinned when he saw Matthew hesitate. “We can go for someone more experienced?”

“Well … yes, you can…” said Matthew. “I wouldn’t recommend that option though, especially if you want to win your matches.”

“Oh, I’m not bothered about that. I can’t win. I don’t have any arrows.”

“Josh, don’t forget you’re a _magical_ boy now.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” said Josh, frowning.

Instead of answering, Matthew stood up and he raised his microphone to his lips.

“Microphone on,” he said. “Green jewel ♧ Crosby!”

When Josh stopped blinking from the flash, the first thing he noticed about Matthew was the bronze and green knee-length coat he had on, which had his light green jewel embroidered onto the breast. The styling was vaguely Jacobean, if the absence of lapels and the presence of white lace around the cuffs were anything to go by. In his hand, the bronzed body of the microphone had lengthened to form a foot long staff, and most of the cable had retracted, leaving just enough to curl into a short corkscrew. Balanced on the silver head was a replica of Matthew’s jewel.

“Why have you transformed?” said Josh.

“You clearly need help with your bow,” said Matthew. “So I thought we could have a fight. It’s something you’ll need to get used to anyway.”

“I’m alright,” said Josh as he shook his head. He really didn’t want to transform unless it was necessary. “I still stand by what I’ve always said. I think fantasy’s shit.”

~☆~

Josh had a gig that evening with Seann and Holly, in a club several tube stops away from his flat. He only had his microphone with him because he’d forgotten he had put it back in his rucksack; but what surprised him was that Seann kept pestering him to transform.

“How did you know?” said Josh.

“I can see your microphone,” said Seann, and he jabbed at the bottom of Josh’s rucksack.

Josh had to pull his microphone out, and, aware that both Seann and Holly were watching him, slowly lifted it to his lips.

“Microphone on. Diamond jewel ☆ Widdicombe!”

Josh had no sooner finished transforming when he grabbed the nearest chair and sat down from how seized up his stomach felt, like it was trying to compress itself into the shape of a tennis ball, and although he drew his chair nearer the door, he didn’t leave the room.

Holly’s jewel, which hung from a long gold chain, was an even paler green than Matthew’s, and she had completed her list two years ago. Her microphone cable extended and stiffened so she was holding onto a staff the same height as her. Panels folded out of the body to form a fan-like design that looked a bit like the silhouette of a male peacock’s open train.

Seann, by contrast, looked as if he hadn’t bothered combing his hair. He left the top buttons of his shirt undone, and his red jewel was encrusted in a bracelet. His microphone turned into a lion he called Scarlett, who had a mane the same colour as his jewel; and even though he had the body of an adult lion, he often sat on Seann’s lap, and alternated between burying his nose through his master’s hair, or licking all over his neck and chin.

Then Josh found out Seann had completed his list several months ago; and a few questions lead to Josh telling him he had only just received his.

“ _Brilliant_ , Scarlett’s not used to white jewels,” said Seann.

Josh eyed Scarlett, who was now lying on the floor and purring as Holly ran her hand through his mane. No matter how juvenile Scarlett was, he still didn’t like the idea of his first fight being against a lion; but he wanted to get the list over and done with, and as he didn’t know anyone else who was red, he agreed.

“Where’re your arrows?” said Seann.

“I don’t know,” said Josh. “I never – no – stop – I’M NOT READY–”

Scarlett seemed fixated on scratching his bow, and what started as several small leaps to try and grab the ends resulted in Josh running around the room in wonky lines and figure-of-eights while a lion chased after him, treating the whole thing like playtime. The few times he saw Holly, she was grinning; and Seann couldn’t stop bellowing with laughter.

Josh kept plucking and releasing the cable, expecting an arrow to appear. All he did was provide an irregular beat for Scarlett to know where he’d ran off to. For some reason, he thought he’d been in a run-in with a lion before, but he was also certain this was the first time he’d known anyone with a pet lion.

Scarlett pounced as Josh pulled the cable back again, and he fell, stomach-first, onto the floor. He swore, and all he could think about was how he wanted to get this fucking lion off him as the force of the landing shook his hand, and he released the cable–

A dent appeared on the skirting board of the wall Josh was facing, and cracks sprawled out. Seann stopped laughing and whistled; and the moment Scarlett got off Josh’s back, he scrambled to his knees. Holly reached the dent ahead of him; and the three of them crouched down to feel over the damage. The jagged edges of the plastering poked into Josh’s fingers, and he swore under his breath.

“ _Fuck_ ,” said Seann. “What the fuck did you do?”

“I don’t know,” said Josh, his voice now in a higher octave. He glanced at the door, convinced that someone was about to walk in. “How the fuck are we going to fix this?”

Holly frowned, and patted their hands away. She clutched her jewel as she ran her staff over the dent; and although there were some marks left to indicate where the damage had once been, the wall was otherwise fixed. She wouldn’t let Josh go either without checking him over; and when he was allowed to leave, Seann pulled him aside.

“Don’t cross off red yet,” he said. “Not after _that_. Rematch?”

Josh noticed Scarlett eyeing his bow; and because he was still confused and desperate to leave and forget about it all for now, he accepted. Seann seemed eager to leave it no longer than three days at most; but as Josh had to discover how his bow worked first, he persuaded Seann to wait for at least a week.

~★~

Josh spent most of the night falling asleep, and then awaking because he was thinking too much about his powers. By the time his alarm rung, he doubted he slept for longer than five hours.

It didn’t help either that Nick turned up an hour later, unannounced, with the intention of finishing his list. Josh hadn’t even shut the door when he heard Nick say “microphone on”; and nor was he prepared to see Nick shirtless and barely fitting into his jeans, with his black jewel embedded in his oversized gauntlets, and carrying an even bigger longsword with the microphone as the hilt, and the cable as the spine of the blade.

“So, are you missing black?” said Nick.

“Yeah, but if you’ve already got white–”

“ _No way_. I didn’t think _we’d_ be fucking opposites.” Nick’s incredulity seemed genuine. “I am missing white. Come on, let’s do this.”

Josh activated his microphone, and kneeled straightaway after his transformation was complete, his free hand over his stomach as he breathed in and out. His other arm was on the floor, to prevent him from toppling over. He stared at the carpet, but the individual strands seemed to blend into each other.

“Josh?” said Nick.

Josh kept breathing, and then sighed as he stood up. His vision restored, he glanced at Nick, who in turn was looking up and down at him as if scrutinising his outfit.

“I’m fine,” he said, and then hesitated. Wasn’t there a thing about swords beating bows, like rock beating scissors?

He jumped back as Nick swung his sword at him, both hands gripping the hilt. He pulled the string, but had to move again to avoid another blow. Last night seemed to replay itself in his mind. How had he managed to be lethal enough to almost demolish a wall? All it had taken him was one shot, and a lot of mental swearing, if he remembered correctly – but all he wanted to do was something not that painful, like a bruise–

Nick’s sword missed his chest, which jolted Josh enough for him to release the string, screaming. He ran to the other side of the room, and it was only when he stopped and plucked his bow again that he realised only of Nick’s hands was holding onto his sword, and the other was rubbing a bruise just under his collarbone.

“What’s happened?” said Josh, frowning.

Nick also frowned. “ _You_ did that.”

“What? – ARGH–” Josh jumped again as he missed a clumsier swipe from Nick, but lost his balance and fell over.

In that time, Nick had gone back to holding his sword with both hands, and Josh raised his bow to block the next blow. White, blue, and black sparks flew from where their weapons met. Josh had to bend his elbows to take the force of the sword, but his bow still slipped out of his hands. Nick thrust his sword down, until the tip was close to touching Josh’s throat.

“You win – YOU WIN–” Josh held up his hands, and only relaxed when Nick moved his sword away.

White – Pink – Red – Orange – Yellow – Light Green – Dark Green – Blue – Indigo – Purple – ~~Black~~ – Brown

~☆~

Not long after Nick left, Josh was about to end his transformation when he got a text from James, who was looking for a white jewel. What started as a two word reply became a mini-essay as Josh detailed the issues around the brown blotch, and ended with a request for help that he hoped didn’t look too desperate. He knew James was touring with Milton, and figured that the latter had to be a magical boy too; and with any luck, James would know if Milton had powers that could help him, and maybe get him them to meet up.

He sent off the text; and minutes later, he heard his flatmate Tom return. The latter had already transformed, and was holding his keys in the same hand as his microphone. The head shone like there was a layer of blue-tinted glass protecting it, and the paler blue cable wrapped around the body in a helix.

Tom had been going over his list and realised that a, he was still searching for a white jewel, and b, was really eager to see what Josh could do, and didn’t care if he’d already fought another blue jewel or not. Josh agreed to a match, and as they got into position, he wondered whether he might just win this one. If there was anyone in worse shape than him, it was Tom.

What he forgot to take into consideration was how Tom worked his powers. He only needed to move his hands. Josh’s first three attacks were all blocked by an invisible shield that briefly lit up in patches of blue whenever his shots were within range, even though all of them would have missed anyway.

Each time Josh tried to get nearer, Tom would move away too, until it became two people chasing each other, first by walking, then jogging, while one kept defending the other’s hits, even though all this moving meant that Josh was nowhere near close to striking anyway. Then Tom tripped over, and the impact of his fall shook his microphone out of his grip. He tried to get up and retrieve it, but Josh fired. He grinned as he watched Tom land again, and held out both hands over his head.

White – Pink – Red – Orange – Yellow – Light Green – Dark Green – ~~Blue~~ – Indigo – Purple – ~~Black~~ – Brown

~★~

The next morning, Josh was woken by a call from James, who wanted to come round in a few hours’ time; and because Josh was still riding high on the fact that he’d had his first victory, he agreed. It was only after he’d hung up that it occurred to him James had mentioned some important news he had to pass on.

As he had nothing to do until James’ visit, what started as browsing Wikipedia somehow led to Josh watching clips of various magical girl anime (for research purposes, he told himself) while he texted Matthew.

_Josh: Thank god we don’t have to go through these transformation sequences._

_Matthew: Ummm, no, we do, actually._

_Josh: What??_

_Matthew: Yeah, but it happens too fast for anyone to see. That’s why there’s a flash before you do your pose._

_Josh: Really?_

_Matthew: Oh come on, please tell me you can feel a slight breeze?_

_Josh: Too much information, Matthew, too much. Also, you’re shutting your eyes from now on every time I transform._

_Matthew: I don’t need to. Can’t see anything anyway._

_Josh: Unbelievable. But seriously, don’t look next time._

~☆~

“I’ve told Milton about your jewel,” said James. “He says he can meet you in two days.”

“OK,” said Josh, and he raised his hand to glance at his jewel. He swore the blotch was slightly smaller now.

“He’s really good. He helped me find some stuff out about my powers. I’ll show you.” James raised his microphone to his lips. “Microphone on. Pink jewel ♢ Acaster!”

Josh shut his eyes to avoid the flash; and when he opened them, he saw James standing with his back to him, and holding his microphone over his head. His hexagonal jewel was stitched into the breast of what looked like a green dressing gown with a cream lining and folded back sleeves, and his microphone became the spine of a butterfly-shaped fan. Half of the cable retracted into the body, forming a tassel.

“Microphone on,” said Josh. “Diamond jewel ☆ Widdicombe!”

He was better at keeping his balance this time, although he still had to double over. His bow arm circled his stomach, while he stuck out his balled free hand, but with the index finger raised. He breathed in, and straightened up again to see James staring at him.

“Do you see what I mean?” said Josh. “Are you sure you can’t get Milton to take a look tomorrow?”

“I tried, but he already had plans,” said James. “Aren’t archers supposed to have arrows?”

“I don’t need any,” said Josh, smiling, and he raised and drew back his bow. Before he could focus on what he wanted to do, James swept his fan in the air. A gust knocked Josh over, and he fell on his bow arm.

On the ground, Josh fired straightaway. He made sure to land a soft hit, and watched as James winced and started hoping on the spot, his free hand rubbing the foot he had struck. He stood up, but then flinched as a pale, silvery light emitted through the window, followed by something blunt smacking him hard in his chest. His eyes now full of tears, he rubbed his chest as another gust of wind knocked the back of his legs, forcing him down onto his knees.

He glanced at the window, where the full moon was rather low in the sky tonight. It was shining too – and then Josh realised that was where the first light had come from. Before he could move out of the way, he found himself kneeling in the same silvery spotlight, and then gasping as what felt like an even stronger punch knocked him so hard in his torso that he fell over backwards.

“Fucking hell,” said Josh, and he raised his hands over his head. “You win, Acaster. You win.”

James grinned, and held out his hand. Josh took it as he got up.

“See?” said James. “I didn’t know I could do all that moon stuff without Milton.”

Josh nodded, now annoyed that he had to wait for another day before he could get any help.

White – ~~Pink~~ – Red – Orange – Yellow – Light Green – Dark Green – ~~Blue~~ – Indigo – Purple – ~~Black~~ – Brown

~★~

For dark green, Josh found Sara. Her jewel was encrusted in the middle of an oblong shield, also green, that covered her from shoulder to knees, and her microphone cable formed the outline of a falchion.

Josh knew Sara had about a year’s more experience ahead of him, but from the way she flinched when he fired his first three shots it was like she had forgotten she had a shield. Despite that, Josh’s aim was no better, though he was convinced that he would land a hit soon, and that he might be able to win this one if he could keep Sara on her toes.

Then as Sara seemed to figure out how to block each blow with increasing ease, she managed to get close enough to force Josh to start running. It didn’t take long for her to catch up, and as Josh was forced into blocking each swipe with his bow, he started to have flashbacks of Nick’s sword, even though Sara’s was nowhere near in size or brutality.

Josh pulled back the cable in an attempt to fire a close-range shot, but Sara swung at him again, and the tip of her sword scraped his bow, marked by a trail of white and green sparks. It took a few more blows for Josh to conceded defeat as he saw the tip of Sara’s sword stop short of stabbing him in the chest.

White – ~~Pink~~ – Red – Orange – Yellow – Light Green – ~~Dark Green~~ – ~~Blue~~ – Indigo – Purple – ~~Black~~ – Brown

~☆~

Later that day, Josh was forced to ask Ben for help; and as neither of them had a gig on that night, they met at half nine in Josh’s flat.

“Indigo jewel ♡ Clark!”

There were white flecks in Ben’s jewel, which rested on a silver cuff the same length as his entire left lower arm. What alarmed Josh though was that his microphone duplicated into a pair of wheels; the body acted as the grip, and the cables – one indigo, one white – curved to form the blade, though the connector disappeared into the microphone head.

Before Josh could do anything, Ben threw the white wheel. Josh yelped and retreated just as it went past the tip of his nose. When Ben grabbed it again, he had used the time to get close, and Josh had to raise his bow to block the indigo wheel.

Two more blows pushed Josh to the ground; and he shot as he was forced to sit down. He watched Ben raise a wheel in front of him, and what looked like an indigo veil momentarily appeared over the blade, stopping his move from going any further.

Josh slid backwards a little, and this time aimed at Ben’s chest first before firing. Ben swung his other wheel across without letting go; and what sounded like two pieces of metal clashing followed, before a white arrowhead momentarily appeared as it shot towards Josh–

Then he gasped and winced as it felt like someone had just given his shins a very hard kick. He was distracted enough that he didn’t spot any of Ben’s weapons until he noticed the indigo wheel was pressed against the side of his neck.

“Josh? Are you alright?” said Ben.

Josh pulled up the jeans leg, and ran his fingers over his shin. There were no cuts or blood, and nor did it feel like he had any broken bones. The only indication he’d been hit was a reddish-pink spot about half way down his leg; and when he pressed down, he winced from what felt like was going to be a bruise in a few days’ time.

“I’m fine,” said Josh. “By the way, what colour is Tom’s jewel again?”

“Yellow. Why?”

“No reason.” In his mind though, Josh was making a note to ask around. He figured that Tom was probably going to be worse than Ben, and it wasn’t helping that he couldn’t think of another yellow jewel.

White – ~~Pink~~ – Red – Orange – Yellow – Light Green – ~~Dark Green~~ – ~~Blue~~ – ~~Indigo~~ – Purple – ~~Black~~ – Brown

~★~

“Thanks so much for doing this, Milton,” said Josh.

“No problem,” said Milton. He was perched on the armrest of the sofa, with James in the seat next to him, grinning. Like most of the furniture in the room, it had been pushed aside by the walls, leaving a space for Josh to stand in. The exception was a bucket by his feet.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Josh held his microphone in his right hand, while his left fiddled with the cable.

“I’ll do my best to help you, but I’m not a healer,” said Milton, although Josh had a feeling he was aiming his words more at James.

“Microphone on,” said Josh. “Diamond jewel ☆ Widdicombe!” He staggered the moment he finished his transformation, and clasped a hand to his mouth. He crouched slightly like he wanted to pick up the bucket, but then straightened up and gasped.

“Hmm.” Milton slid his rucksack off his back, and unzipped the main compartment to pull out his microphone. “Microphone on. Brown jewel ☆ Jones!”

Josh glanced first at Milton’s jewel nestled amongst his messy hair, and then at his blue and green flowery shirt that clashed with his reddish-orange jeans. He was so distracted that it took him a moment to notice Milton’s microphone hadn’t changed.

Milton walked over to Josh. “Can I take a look at your jewel?”

“Sure,” said Josh, and he held out his hand. He watched Milton tap the surface of his diamond, and then lean in for a closer look before letting go.

“I’m going to try and help you,” said Milton as he stepped back. “Just relax for me.”

“Why?” said Josh. Before he could say anymore, Milton swung his microphone into his chest. He yelped, but a loud screech of feedback blocked out all sound–

“Josh?” he heard James say into his ear.

Josh grumbled as he opened his eyes, and realised he was lying on the floor. James was kneeling to his left, and Milton sat by his right, cross-legged. He rubbed his chest, which was still smarting, and sat up. His bow had fallen by his feet, and as he retrieved it with his other hand, he glanced at the phone in James’ hand.

“How are you feeling?” said Milton.

“What…? What’s happened?” said Josh. “Did I faint?”

“Not really,” said James, and held his phone out.

On the screen was a picture of what looked like Milton’s hand holding a doll that seemed to only just fit. Josh reckoned it was about four inches high. Its head was a little larger than the body, with its blonde curls, darker sideburns that looked painted on, and big eyes (also painted) and chubby, faintly blushing cheeks. Josh zoomed in on the outfit; a plain shirt under a blue jacket, and a right gloved hand carrying a miniature white bow–

“What – is this–” Josh gaped, and slowly shook his head. “Is that _me_?”

“As a doll, yeah,” said James. Milton shrugged.

“ _Unbelievable_ –”

“Show him the other pictures,” said Milton.

James swiped the screen, and they passed over a picture of doll-Josh from the back, and a shot of James with doll-Josh sitting on his shoulder. The next one showed Milton holding onto his microphone, except it had morphed into a bow the same shape as Josh’s, though the body was black and the string brown. In the corner was doll-Josh again, with James’ hand holding onto his legs. He had been pulled into the same position as Milton; standing by his side, with his arm raised like he was preparing to shoot.

Then Josh was shown a close up of the jewel in Milton’s hair – except it was now a clear diamond. He zoomed in, and then looked down at his hand. His blotches were still there – but where were they on Milton?

“What?” said Josh. “It’s … it’s _clear_? What does that mean?”

“You’re the problem,” said Milton. “The brown stain has nothing to do with your microphone. James told me you’ve thrown up after transforming.”

“Yeah, I did the first time.”

Milton frowned. “How far have you got with your list?”

Josh pulled out the paper from his pocket. “I’ve got eight left.”

From the corner of his eye, he could see James swiping through more photos, and he caught one of doll-James being held up by a pink jewelled Milton. Unlike Josh, James had flatter cheeks but a slightly broader jawline, and his eyes looked sleepier.

“Call me if you throw up,” said Milton. “Let me know where you are, who you’re with, and if there’s anything odd. And yes, go on, cross out brown.”

White – ~~Pink~~ – Red – Orange – Yellow – Light Green – ~~Dark Green~~ – ~~Blue~~ – ~~Indigo~~ – Purple – ~~Black~~ – ~~Brown~~

~☆~

It took Roisin four years of remembering and then forgetting to finish off her list; and Josh found out, after letting her into the flat, that he was the last jewel she needed.

Roisin’s outfit was black and white, judging by the white shirt with cat prints, black jeans, and boots. Her white jewel was clipped to her hair, and her microphone lengthened until it was about four feet long. The white cable extended to form a somewhat squiggly outline of a curved blade, while the microphone head also swelled up to balance out her weapon. It formed what she said was a guandao.

What annoyed Josh in particular was how much further away he had to be from Roisin. Even though she had to use both hands, she had mastered her weapon well enough to make each stroke smooth and controlled. Then Josh managed to land a shot on her thigh, and he grinned as he watched her kneel down, drop her microphone, and rubbed the spot where Josh was sure the worst he’d done was to bruise her.

Then Roisin clicked her fingers, and Josh stared at her microphone, which had started levitating. The polearm flew at him, and he screamed as he dodged sideways. He noticed Roisin pointing at him as he ran; and although he aimed his bow at her hand, he got as far as pulling back the cable before the microphone head slapped his back, and he toppled over.

Josh gasped as the microphone pinned his shoulders down. It was heavier than it looked, and for the sake of freeing himself, it didn’t take much longer for him to surrender.

 ~~White~~ – ~~Pink~~ – Red – Orange – Yellow – Light Green – ~~Dark Green~~ – ~~Blue~~ – ~~Indigo~~ – Purple – ~~Black~~ – ~~Brown~~

~★~

“Yellow jewel ♤ Parry!”

Josh crossed his arms, and tried to avoid grimacing in front of Tom. He’d even been reassured by Matthew that yellow was one of the more common colours, but all enquiries he’d made over the past three days had led to dead ends.

Tom held his microphone with his right hand, where his yellow jewel was encrusted in a gold cuff that covered his entire lower arm. The cable straightened and thickened into a pole, and gold panels folded out of the microphone to form a spearhead. For his pose, he pointed it at the floor at an angle; and from the way he was levitating, it looked as if he was sitting on the other end of the cable, with a wide grin on his face.

The spear seemed heavy, but Tom swept it around like it was a broomstick, leaving Josh screaming as the tip seemed to only just keep missing his limbs. It was even worse whenever Tom levitated, like he was showing off all the skills he’d built up over three years. What Josh hadn’t realised was how fast Tom could move while levitating; he fired, but had only just let go of the string when Tom seemed to vanish. Seconds later, Josh felt the surface of the spearhead smack into his forearm, and he stumbled forward.

“Is that the best you can do?” said Tom, and Josh was certain he was just taking the piss right now.

“I’m new to this,” said Josh, and he pulled his string back. He winced as his arm smarted, and as he forced himself to let go early to reduce the pain, he kept thinking about how fucking annoying Tom was starting to become, and whether he should have texted several more people first.

He started, wide-eyed, when he saw Tom land on his feet, clutching his shoulder where a small spot of blood was emerging on the sleeve of his t-shirt. They stared, both as surprised as each other; then Tom removed his hand and picked up his spear. Josh retreated and dodged a thrust, but the cable softened, and the head wound around his ankle like it was a whip. Tom pulled, sweeping Josh off his feet; and although his ankle was freed as he fell, he landed and shrieked when he felt Tom point the spear on the back of his head.

“FUUUUUCK–” As a last defence, Josh raised his bow and shrunk his neck as far down into his shoulders as he could go.

Tom chuckled as he let his spear touch the floor next to Josh, but then winced and clasped his shoulder again.

“Come on,” said Tom. “We’re going to Crossbow’s, _now_.”

Josh followed Tom out of the flat, where the latter’s car was parked outside. Tom wanted to get into the driver’s seat, but Josh ran in front of him, and argued he should drive. On the surface, the wound didn’t look serious, but Josh knew he had been a bit heavy handed on his thoughts when he fired. It took a few minutes, but he soon had the keys to the car, and he only got in when he saw Tom get in the passenger seat.

 ~~White~~ – ~~Pink~~ – Red – Orange – ~~Yellow~~ – Light Green – ~~Dark Green~~ – ~~Blue~~ – ~~Indigo~~ – Purple – ~~Black~~ – ~~Brown~~

~☆~

“Josh, how long has it been since you challenged Clarky?”

Josh hesitated, and then answered, “Two days”. He held his breath as Matthew poked the head of his microphone into his forearm, around the spot Tom had bashed him. Tom was standing behind them and gently rotating his shoulder in a clockwise direction. The only blood left was on his shirt.

“I’ve got to say, I’m really impressed with you. You drew blood.” Matthew smiled, and then drove his microphone harder into Josh’s arm. The head and jewel glowed.

“I swear we did something similar when we started out too,” said Tom.

“Did we?” said Matthew, and he looked over his shoulder. “I’m sure the first time it got violent was with that first demon you killed.”

“ _We_ killed, you mean.” Tom started moving his shoulder anti-clockwise.

“No, I’ve never killed one before. You do all the work.”

“So does Ben.”

“Yes, but he hasn’t taken down as many as you have. I stay behind and check the two of you haven’t … I don’t know, lost an arm or something.”

“Can you even heal that if it happened?” said Josh. His arm felt warm.

“No idea,” said Matthew as he lifted his microphone. “I really don’t want to find out either.” He shuddered, and looked back at Josh. “Anyway, what did Milton say?”

Josh told him, but when he reached the end, Matthew and Tom glanced at each other.

“What do you think?” said Josh.

“Well, Milton’s got more experience than us,” said Matthew. He was looking down at lap. “I’d trust what he said.” Tom nodded.

“Yeah, but he’s essentially saying I’m too weak to handle this magical boy thing.”

“Are you a little bit upset about it?”

“Well … yeah, I mean … I can’t pull off a transformation. I’m 28. I’m not a child.” Josh frowned at the smile forming on Matthew’s face. “What?”

“You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“ _No_. No, I’m not. I want to get this list over with, and … just … never think about it again.” Josh crossed his arms, at first lightly, but then shrugged his shoulders to fold his arms even tighter when he saw the looks on Tom and Matthew’s faces.

Now that Tom could drive again, Josh handed him the car keys when they left several minutes later. The first few minutes of the drive back were filled by Josh apologising over and over; and when Tom made it clear he was absolutely fine, Josh reclined into his seat for the rest of the journey.

As they turned off a road, Josh’s phone vibrated, and he saw that Seann had sent him a text.

_Rematch?_

Josh glanced at the date on his phone. Had it been a week already? Either way, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to face Scarlett yet, and his fingers hovered over the keyboard, before he pushed the return button.

~★~

At first, the fight with Katherine was going well. Her amethyst was embroidered into the belt that held up the multi-coloured skirt her transformation gave her, and the purple and white cable formed the rim of the round shield her microphone changed into. Seann watched them, perched on a desk with his arms folded, and Scarlett lying by his feet.

The gig had finished about fifteen minutes ago, and so far, Josh had avoided kicking over a vomit-filled waste bin several times. He had thrown up when he transformed about two hours ago, and the bottom of the bin liner was filled with the remains of the Pret sandwich he had for dinner, mixed with what came after, bitter-tasting milky saliva. He’d texted Milton straightaway with details about the gig location and time; but when he last checked his phone, he’d heard nothing back.

Josh knew he kept missing Katherine, because every time she raised her shield, she then dropped it again. He blamed his phone. He knew Milton and James were somewhere north of London right now, but he was also certain the show didn’t run on for that late. They were usually done by ten, and it was getting close to twenty past.

Then something roared outside, and Scarlett and Seann got to their feet. Josh lowered his bow and turned around as Katherine walked past him, her shield raised to cover her from chin downwards. She grabbed the door handle with her other hand, and then glanced over her shoulder.

Josh saw Scarlett pass him, and he wanted to step even further back, except Seann blocked and nudged him. Rolling his eyes, Josh walked forward, raised his bow, and drew back the cable. If this was a demon–

Before he could gather any more thoughts, Katherine yanked the door open. Scarlett pounced at the figure that tried to charge into the room, and Josh let go of the cable, startled. The demon looked like a badly sculpted bald human made from indigo ink dyed lumps of soaking wet clay, but with fangs and claws made from ivory, and blank eyes. It tried to get into the room, but Scarlett had no qualms with tearing his teeth and claws into its body. Even Katherine retreated so she was guarding them instead.

Josh could feel his face draining of any colour when he saw Scarlett – moving, it seemed, based on Seann’s whistling and finger clicks – first tearing off a hand, then gnawing and chewing into its leg to unbalance it, before clamping on its shoulder with teeth and claws to completely drag it onto the floor. The lion finished it off with two deep swipes into its chest.

“Scarlett, come back. Good boy,” said Seann somewhere behind Josh. His voice was level.

Scarlett ran back as the body shrunk until it was a solid ball, and then dissolved into an indigo puddle. Josh just stared, wide-eyed, and yelped as the puddle leapt. It only just crossed through the doorway; but when it landed, it drained through the floorboards and completely disappeared.

Josh stared, and then jumped when he felt his phone vibrate. It took him three tries to pull it out of his jeans, and noticed he had received a text back.

_I take it the last text was meant for Milton?_

Josh looked at the name, and groaned when he realised he’d texted Matthew.

_Yes, it was. By the way, I’ve just seen my first demon. I’ll tell you tomorrow._

“I take it you don’t want another fight tonight?” said Seann. Josh looked up, and shook his head. He then became aware of Scarlett lying by their feet, already purring and writhing from Katherine petting him.

“I’m fucking worn out,” said Josh. “Scarlett was great, by the way.”

“Thanks.” Seann grinned, and leaned down a little to stroke the lion too.

Josh’s phone buzzed again, and he glanced at Matthew’s text. _Oh my god, are you alright?? Call me now._

“Anyway,” said Seann. “I’ll come round to yours tomorrow, then?”

 ~~White~~ – ~~Pink~~ – Red – Orange – ~~Yellow~~ – Light Green – ~~Dark Green~~ – ~~Blue~~ – ~~Indigo~~ – ~~Purple~~ – ~~Black~~ – ~~Brown~~

~☆~

When Seann showed up at two in the afternoon, Josh had already told Milton and Matthew about events, had started planning how to beat Seann, and practiced transforming twice more; and on both times, he’d been forced to sit down, but was otherwise steady after several seconds.

The best Josh could come up with was to stay as far from Scarlett as he could. At first, it worked; he made sure to stick by the walls, and had to anticipate ahead where Scarlett was going to run. He even managed to shoot once, although he then heard the floorboard crack on the other side of the room.

Then Seann whistled rather loudly, and Scarlett made the longest pounce Josh had seen him do. He screamed as he was almost bitten on the arm; and, as a way of forcing the lion to stop, he pointed his bow at Seann instead–

It took a push to his shoulder to knock him over, and he landed on his side even faster as Scarlett pinned him down and growled and dribbled over his ear and jaw.

“SCARLETT – OFF – BAD BOY – MICROPHONE OFF–”

Josh exhaled in relief as he felt a microphone land on his chest, and vaguely wiped his face. Seann stood over him, still wide-eyed with an angry glare.

“Are you hurt?” said Seann.

Josh took his time in sitting up. He had a feeling Seann was going to insist on continuing their fight; but he was fed up of the lion, and he pretended to wince and clutched his left wrist.

“Ah – shit – no – I think I’ve sprained my wrist,” he said. He kept his head down. “I’m going to have to see Matthew.”

“I’ll drive you there,” said Seann. Even though Josh was sure his trick was working, it still alarmed him to see Seann retrieve his microphone from the floor.

“Nah, you don’t have to,” said Josh. “I can get the train. It’s fine, mate, seriously. It’s fine.”

 ~~White~~ – ~~Pink~~ – ~~Red~~ – Orange – ~~Yellow~~ – Light Green – ~~Dark Green~~ – ~~Blue~~ – ~~Indigo~~ – ~~Purple~~ – ~~Black~~ – ~~Brown~~

~★~

Josh would have liked to cross out orange straight after his gig, but Joe insisted on going back to his flat first. Part of the reason why he was so persistent was because Josh had thrown up when he transformed backstage, into a plastic shopping bag because he couldn’t reach the bin in time; and then he really had to run as he’d forgotten about the holes in the bottom until some of his sick started dripping onto his trainers.

Joe had already transformed when Josh reached the venue; and the first thing he spotted was the plaster stuck under Joe’s left eye, where, he said, he had scratched himself during his sleep, and had woken up to see dry blood over his cheekbone and pillowcase. All his fingers were adorned with gold rings, though one had his oval orange jewel as the centrepiece. The cable on his microphone wrapped around his hand like a guard, and from the head extended a slightly narrower orange blade, into what he was certain was a rapier.

Josh’s aim had improved enough to initially keep Joe away from him, at one point even bruising Joe’s arm. Then Joe clicked his fingers, and something dull seemed to hit Josh across the back of his shoulders, and he stumbled. When he caught his balance, he gasped as he felt the microphone head lightly touch the top of his neck. Joe flicked his wrist upwards, forcing it further into Josh’s throat for a split second before he lowered his rapier away from him.

“Check your jacket,” he said, grinning.

Josh slipped off his jacket, and noticed a cut had sliced across the back of the shoulders. He sighed as he pinched the damaged area to get a better look at the frayed edges. He knew that anyone could see his jacket, but where could he go to get it fixed, and hope it wouldn’t be noticeable? He was still pinching it when the damaged part glowed white, and Josh gasped as he watched it weave itself back into perfect condition.

“Am I dreaming?” he said, and he held it out towards Joe. “Did that just … did that just _sew itself_ back to normal?”

“Yeah, it did,” said Joe. “It’s brilliant, isn’t it?”

“Definitely,” said Josh. He ran his thumb over where the cut had been. The fabric was smooth again, but as he slipped his jacket on, he still took care to avoid splitting open the back, just in case.

 ~~White~~ – ~~Pink~~ – ~~Red~~ – ~~Orange~~ – ~~Yellow~~ – Light Green – ~~Dark Green~~ – ~~Blue~~ – ~~Indigo~~ – ~~Purple~~ – ~~Black~~ – ~~Brown~~

~☆~

Not long after Josh returned to his flat, he received a text from Milton.

_So whenever you’ve thrown up, a demon usually appears? It’s probably a good thing Joe made you leave the venue._

~★~

The next morning, it dawned on Josh that he hadn’t meant to leave light green until last. In the back of his mind, he kept thinking that if there was anyone he could win against, it had to be a healer, right? How nice would it be to complete his list on a victory? He picked up his phone, and scrolled through until he found Matthew’s number and called him.

Matthew answered after the third ring. “Hello?”

“Hi Matthew, it’s Josh,” said Josh. “I’m nearly done with my list, but I’m missing light green–”

“Great timing, I was going to call you. Do you want to come round now?”

Josh frowned. “What, and fight you in your flat?”

“Yeah. Charlie’s not going to be back soon. We’ve got time.”

Josh left straightaway; and when he made it to Matthew’s flat, the latter had already transformed.

“Are you sure about this?” said Josh as he entered the flat. “I can wait for another few days.”

“I practically do no fighting anyway,” said Matthew. “Look, even if you asked another healer, they’re going to say the same thing to you.”

Josh nodded, and pulled his microphone out of his rucksack.

“Microphone on. Diamond jewel ☆ Widdicombe!” He held his breath as he pushed his way past Matthew, and ran into the bathroom. He skidded to a halt next to the toilet, and dropped his bow, and to his knees. Well, he thought as he threw up into the bowl, at least he didn’t have to deal with knotting a bin liner and handing it over to staff to throw out.

He staggered to his feet once he’d emptied his lunch and more saliva into the toilet. As he flushed, he wondered why Matthew hadn’t come in – until he turned to face the doorway, and jumped and shouted when he saw a demon blocking the entrance.

“KILL IT,” he heard Matthew say, somewhere on the other side of the door. “I’VE GOT YOUR BACK. _KILL IT_.”

On the contrary, all Josh could manage was to gape and shake his head. How many days had it been since he’d seen Katherine and Seann? He yelled and jumped away when the demon tried to claw him. Remembering he had his weapon with him, he scooped his bow off the floor, and tried to raise it, but had to retreat again to avoid another swipe.

“ _Shit_ ,” he said as he took another step back, and bumped into the wall behind him. He raised his bow, pulled back the string, but his arm felt stiff, forcing him to keep it drawn. The demon roared and swiped; and even though Josh could see the claw coming towards him, he failed to swing his bow to block it, like his elbow and shoulder joints were locked.

He yelped as the claws scratched his jaw, and sent him stumbling sideways. His legs bashed into the bathtub, and he let go of the cable to stick his arm out. His hand slammed into the wall, and he pushed himself away seconds later. He managed to slip past the demon and out of the bathroom, almost running straight into Matthew as he did so. Matthew was looking alert, and Josh had never seen him grip his microphone tighter.

He shoved Matthew down the hallway, but the latter ran until he was about half way down before he stuck his arms out, forcing Josh to turn round and pull the string. He just wanted to get rid of the fucking thing – and when he released, he watched a small cut appear in the top of its shoulder, splattering what looked like gloopy drops of ink onto nearby wall and floor.

Josh wanted to say that wasn’t _too_ bad – a minor skin injury was better than none, right? – but when he glanced over his shoulder, he watched Matthew take several steps back. Then he yelled as the demon slammed into him, knocking him back-first onto the ground.

With the added weight, Josh struggled to move from his hips downwards, and he winced from the sight of the fangs inches above his forehead. He pulled his bow again; he had a point blank shot this time, and he was going to fire the arrow into its heart, he _had_ to. Besides, he really wanted the fucking thing off him as soon as possible–

As Josh let go of the string, he noticed a glistening silver arrow appear mid-flight, and it pierced the demon’s chest. He shut his eyes even tighter as more ink gloop splattered over his chin and torso. He heard screeching as the weight on his body disappeared, first from his hips, then his thighs, and down the rest of his legs.

He gasped, relieved for cool air, as he pushed himself up with his elbows, and saw the puddle about an inch away from his feet. Then Matthew grabbed the neck of his jacket and dragged him backwards. Seconds later, the puddle leaped and landed where his ankles had been, before it drained itself through the cracks of the floorboard, leaving the area completely clean like a demon had never been there before.

“Oh god – oh, _fuck_ – are you alright?” said Matthew. He kneeled down and poked the tip of his microphone on Josh’s jaw.

Josh winced, but kept still as he waited for his injury to heal. He knew Matthew was done when he moved his microphone downwards, scanning the rest of his body; and as he opened and shut his mouth several times, to check the wound had healed, he looked down and sighed at the sight of his still stained clothes.

“Can I borrow a towel?” he said. Did normal cloths even get rid of demon blood?

“You don’t need one,” said Matthew.

Josh frowned, and then watched as the blood dripped and run off his clothes in globs, before gathering as a dense puddle not too far from his legs. Like the demon, the puddle leaked through the floorboard and vanished.

“Weren’t you missing just light green?” said Matthew.

“Yeah,” said Josh.

“Rip up your list. You’re done.”

“Really?” Josh watched Matthew nod. He grinned, and pulled out the list. He made sure to unfold and sooth the paper first, before he ripped it up into quarters.

“It looks like you’re not injured anywhere else,” said Matthew. “How are you feeling?”

“I think I’m alright.” Josh put his bow down before he held his arms out by his side, and flexed his fingers. He could feel his heart racing, but he wasn’t sure whether it was from seeing another demon, or from the fact that he’d just killed one.

“Well, put it this way, not many beginners kill a demon within … what, a week of getting their list?”

Josh shook his head. Neither of them spoke for a while; and in that time, Josh raised his legs and bent his knees while Matthew pick up and examine his bow.

“What I don’t get is why that thing was here,” said Josh.

“Some demons turn up in odder places,” said Matthew. He plucked the cable several times, but nothing happened. “I’m amazed you’ve gotten used to your bow. You can’t see the arrows, _and_ you need to think about what you’re firing…”

“Why do you think I lost so many of my matches?” Josh reached over to take his microphone back. “You know what? I don’t think my opinion on fantasy has changed.”

Matthew rolled his eyes. “How can you _still_ hate fantasy after this?”

“Now that I know what it’s _really_ like, the fictional stuff seems even more absurd.” Josh paused, unable to contain a smile. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I think fantasy’s shit.”

 ~~White~~ – ~~Pink~~ – ~~Red~~ – ~~Orange~~ – ~~Yellow~~ – ~~Light Green~~ – ~~Dark Green~~ – ~~Blue~~ – ~~Indigo~~ – ~~Purple~~ – ~~Black~~ – ~~Brown~~

~☆~


End file.
